before i forget © (convos with myself)

I’m reading again… Just finished City of Bones by Cassandra Clare, pretty good YA stuff.

My good friend is getting married sometime in may and I need to look good in pictures.

There, I’ve basically summarized why I’ve finally decided to go on a diet starting today. And the lemonade diet of course, what’s good for Beyonce is good for me. Yes, we’re not exactly the same in every aspect, but bear with me.

Bet everyone’s hear of the diet, so I go straight to how my first day went. ALRIGHT. There were moments when I kept saying food porn as a trawled through the net (it was for work, mind), but other than that I’m okay. I’m not sure why, maybe I’m doing something wrong? Hahahaha.

My best friend said I shouldn’t do the salt water flush since it’s difficult, but she just said the magic words, can’t be done. Well, I’m gonna try it tomorrow morning, early. Just in case I have to live in the bathroom for an hour, then I won’t be late. 

And to all those miserable twerps who said I’ll fall off the diet, get a life.

I just love being motivated.

I’m gonna be taking my tea in a bit then I best sleep off whatever is left of the day.

I’m in limbo right now.

I had a talk with someone about something sensitive. Funny thing about my blog and I, it is supposed to be a secret blog. But it’s not fully secret, I tread a delicate balance of saying just enough to vent without exposing myself to all and sundry. But of course, I presume people are interested, but I am erring on the side of caution, so tough.

So I had “the TALK”, which left me alternately scared, pissed off and ashamed—in equal parts. I know what I need to do, but after “the TALK”, I can’t help but think apart from refraining from doing a certain thing, I have to clear my conscience by leaving. I haven’t absolved myself of my actions so I feel I need to take drastic action the only way I know which won’t affect the people close to me, much.

I am not comforted by the fact I should stop, I can’t seem to stop myself from cringing whenever the thought enters my head. I feel that I can only move on by leaving. 

My actions bother people who know, but feel they can’t stop me from what is a train wreck waiting to happen. I know it’s unfair to give them the burden of knowledge so it is best if I sort this out myself. I think my friend went hysterical when she found out I had the TALK. She was more than willing to surrender her concerns over the situation because now her fears for me have been brought out into the open with me coming out relatively unscathed. I can imagine the relief and fear she must go through for my sake. If you are reading this—worry no longer, my actions are my own. You have been a good friend through it all. I am only sorry I got a bit cross with you.

I am big on being ethically-correct, but I don’t care what you do as long as it doesn’t affect me—it is after all your life. No matter what I say, if you are set on doing something, you will do it if you want to.

I am judging myself since the discovery of my actions, and I feel that I have to leave for me to retain whatever dignity I still have. In some respects, I am quite the conservative prude. 

Well—the purging helped only in so much that the situation has been described to my satisfaction. But thought I know what to do, I find it difficult. And my conscience constantly nags at me to go. I don’t know if it will solve anything, my going away, but perhaps I’ll get some peace of mind.

I have always felt that there was something more to life than finishing school, getting a job, getting married, having kids (not necessarily in that order) etc.

I just felt it was ungrateful of me to even think, “Is that it?” because I could be worse off. So I kept mum, except to my best friend of 20-odd years, Adine. I figured, I’ll continue as I were and one day it’ll come to me, I’ll know what’s missing.

Then I read an article by Holly Robinson in the Huffington, how a mother supported her daughter’s decision to quit work so that she could find out what made her content. One of the things I realized is how I wish I knew what I really wanted to do before I started university, or even while I was still studying. Reading the article also made me think, how I wish I had a gap year to travel. And there I realized what I wanted to do. There were so many instances when I was being pointed in that direction and I refused to see it.

I really knew for sure when I first went to Europe with my friend Ria, it was easily one of my most amazing and memorable experiences. I love being at the airport, waiting to board. I love being in a plane, knowing I am going somewhere else. I have tried to travel as much as I can, but I just keep wanting more.

Last night I stumbled upon this blog about traveling,  talk about kindred spirits. I can definitely relate. And I’m thinking of doing it, travel nonstop for at least half a year. I think that is what I need to jump start my life. I will go. I will figure it out and I WILL GO.